‘The leaves are changing,
and so am I.’
I can’t seem to put structure to my thoughts these days. In the past year there have been so many happenings, so many little and big things that have knocked the wind out of me and left me wordless. But please bear with me – it’s been awhile and feel like I’m getting my feet back under me. I want to start writing again.
It’s funny how you write things when you are younger, and how much your perspective changes when you are older.
Not that what you said was wrong, or misconstrued, but you start to see the world a little differently and – my goodness – who is that girl from a few years ago? What happened to her?
God’s grace just rains all over me. And I finally accept it. After so many years of trying to deserve His grace – running to and fro, trying to make sure I do all the right things and say all the right things to the right people at the right times – now, I feel like I’m finally just learning to accept it as the gift that it is.
I just let Him carry me.
It’s amazing revisiting those old posts, and reliving all the feelings and the emotions that I had at the time I wrote them. And – even more – how much I still struggle with the same things I did 5 years ago.
And, still, He just carries me along.
I think maybe it just takes a really, really long time before you just wear yourself out, and you realize you have no choice but to rest in His strength. And – even more – you realize that in all that trying, striving, flailing, you were still depending on Him, even without truly knowing it.
So now, instead of just trying so, so hard, I wake up and I don’t have to pretend anymore. I feel like I can just slip my hand into His, and we walk together in the storm.
So, this isn’t goodbye. But it is a farewell to the young girl who used to think she understood things more than she did. (And who still doesn’t.)
How can I pray for you this week?